by Bakang Tshepo Moetse
If there is anything that the past year and the pandemic have taught us, it is that though life can be long, it can also be short and fragile. Holding this tangible tension in the hands of my mind, I have started to experience a pressing burden to examine my life more deeply. Since the reality that “tomorrow is not promised” has become increasingly palpable, I have chosen to pay attention to this burden, in order that I may make the most of each day, and ultimately my life – however short or long it may turn out to be.
As part of this process, I have had to ask myself a few questions, one of them being: “What keeps you from enjoying a more liberated life?” Acknowledging the complexity, vastness and dynamism of my life, I found that there exists no single, right answer. This explained the bounty of themes that began to stream through my consciousness as I reflected on this question. That being said however, one theme that stood out prominently was the idea of self-forgiveness. I then began to think about the many ways in which I keep myself in bondage of shame and unforgiveness, as a result of even the most trivial of happenings. Things as small as not responding to a Whatsapp message, or not attending a friend’s celebration, even though that haapened because the introvert in me was “all-peopled-out”. Or things that are seemingly bigger, like not reaching a goal on time or not showing up as the superfluously-back-breaking-superwoman I have conditioned my work environments to expect on a daily basis. As I thought about all of these things – and there were several more by the way – I began to realise that I had made a habit of collecting and carrying boulders of unnecessary guilt on the shoulders of my spirit. And that instead of living light and free, my joie de vivre was crumbling under the spiritual deadweight. It also dawned on me that precious mental real-estate I could be allocating to manifesting a fuller existence was instead being occupied by feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from an inherent inability to extend forgiveness to myself.
Having now sat for some time in this contemplation and accepting the not-so-cute truth that my lack of self-forgiveness is encumbering the quality of my life; I have finally made the commitment to do better. And what does “doing better” in the way of learning to forgive myself look like, you may ask? Well, it looks like an ever-evolving process that can involve one or more of the following themes, when I find myself in need of forgiveness:
1.Mourning the departure of the overachiever in me that seeks to be everything to everyone at every point in time. Whilst she is all I have known growing up, I know that it is for my betterment that the experiences of my life, especially the failures, are untethering me from her.
2.Embracing the idea that learning to forgive myself is a process and that whilst sometimes I will get it right, other times I may not, and that too is okay.
3.Remembering that forgiving myself is a fundamental necessity that need not be depend upon receiving forgiveness from others. This stems from the awareness that if I do not forgive myself, I have no room or energy to move forward or to grow from my shortcomings.
4.Understanding that self-forgiveness is not absolution from consequences, nor is it a license to disregard the feelings of those whom I may have disappointed. I can both forgive myself and hold space for those affected by my actions.
5.Allowing myself to receive grace, which by definition is unmerited and undeserved, and believing that grace most certainly exists for me. This involves recognizing that in far more instances than not, I stand in the way of my own liberation by subconsciously living beholden to the idea that I am not entirely deserving of forgiveness, even when it is extended to me.
6.FORGIVING MYSELF! In sharing the above with you, it is my sincerest hope that should you ever be in need of forgiveness, you may know that both the responsibility and the ability to access forgiveness lies within you. I pray that the next time someone asks you and me what has helped us live liberated lives, we may reply with a resounding: IT’S THE FORGIVENESS FOR ME!
I wish you all the luck on your journey to a deeper and more lasting kind of self-care. May you always remember that you are worth your own effort and investment.
