by Kim Starkey
There is an old African proverb that states, “It takes a village to raise a child”, which illustrates the importance of community, an oneness to humanity. It describes, how communities came together to assist in raising each other’s children. People of the ‘village’ assisted in feeding the children, watched over them and even disciplined them when needed. In a South African context, the spirit of Ubuntu reminds society of how we should be ‘living’. “Umuntu Ngumuntu Ngabantu” or “I am because you are” defines Ubuntu and as Nelson Mandela stated, “the profound sense that we are human only through the humanity of others; that if we are to accomplish anything in this world, it will in equal measure be due to the work and achievements of others”.
You don’t often hear people talk about their ‘village’ anymore, so where has the village gone? In 2020, as we live in an era of hyper-commercialisation and as we stand on the cusp of the fourth industrial revolution, all while trying to navigate a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous (VUCA) environment, with working parents, single parents, child-headed households and with roughly 14% of South African children orphaned, this African proverb seems to be even more relevant now. But, where has the village gone? The village seems to have disappeared for many.
Most born within a millennial generation, have been raised confident, ambitious, and achievement-oriented. Brought up on the belief that ‘we can be anything we want to be’ and that we should unashamedly pursue our dreams. With pursuing our dreams, the concept of mobility comes into play – the ability to move freely, to move towns, provinces and even countries. We needed to leave behind our ‘village’ and have now found ourselves living within an individualistic society, a society where the needs of an individual are prioritised over the needs of a group as a whole.
Living in an era where we stand on the cusp of the fourth industrial revolution and living through a global pandemic where most, if not all interactions and engagements needed to migrate online, we found that our villages engaged more, yet became more isolated. The more we connect online, the less we seem to connect offline. We have lost our village.
As a parent in 2020, especially a mother – we find ourselves with more freedom than our foremothers, but the burden remains heavy. Raising children is a difficult task and often something we can’t completely prepare for. As mother’s, we often feel inadequate as we try to juggle it all, as a society often expects women to work as if they don’t have children and raise children as if they don’t work. Women, mothers, still often absorb the impact of a broken, still oppressive social structure in the hope that our children won’t have to.
Children today are often known to feel lonely, stressed out and at times isolated. Some lack the same social skills and emotional intelligence that many older generations had accrued from their ‘villages’. The absence of a village puts enormous pressure on parents to make up for what an entire village used to offer, this results in parents feeling disempowered, judged and misunderstood when we simply ‘can’t keep up’.
So we can conform to an individualistic society, where the needs of an individual are prioritised and offering advice or support to another parent is at times considered improper as its often viewed as “stepping on toes” or we can exercise our own freedoms and recreate our own village. Parents have a very important job, and supporting and empowering fellow parents can only lead to a positive society.
Tips to recreating your village:
Firstly, acknowledge – struggling is normal and it is not a reflection of your inadequacies.
Be vulnerable – We need help to survive. When we rely on our family, friends, and community members to help our children grow, thrive, and survive, we’re all better for it.
Self-love – In a culture of “never enough”, learn to love yourself before you try to love others
Keep connected with family and friends, connect online, but most importantly connect offline.
Village does not only mean blood – Join a group/a book club/a band – become an integral part of ‘something’.
Recreate YOUR village. Something that is unapologetically YOU.
