by Owona Madlingozi
I have often been asked what I look for in a potential partner. My answer has always been ‘someone who is kind’. This often results in blank stares or retorts of “is that it?” It is indeed – that is it.
You’re probably wondering why:
I wholeheartedly believe that kindness is the most foundational of all human characteristics. And as such, it is something I have invested much of my time searching for, defining, and embodying. This has been an enriching, but difficult journey. I have learnt along the way that as with almost all desirable human qualities, it is far easier to practice on others, than it is with myself. It is so much easier to extend kindness, than it is to internalise and practise on yourself.
Having come to this conclusion, I became curious as to whether I was the only one struggling with this. So I asked some close friends what their experiences have been with practicing kindness on themselves. As expected, they too struggled with this. Through our conversations, it emerged that many of us do not afford ourselves all that we give to others.
To others we are kind, thoughtful, generous and strong; we speak life into their lives and over their situations. When it comes to ourselves, however, it is a completely different story. For many of us, as soon as life serves us a bad hand, we lose all of these traits. Instead, we speak unkindly to ourselves, we are impatient, and the positive affirmations we freely rain on others dry up as soon as we look in the mirror.
Why is this?
Upon reflection, and while there are several other explanations, I believe for many of us our upbringing is the key contributor in our ability to be kind to ourselves. Most of us have been raised to push limits, break down barriers, and enter spaces that were built without us in mind. To be raised in preparation for this, is often to be raised without softness. So we grant this softness to others, but rarely to ourselves.
How do we unlearn this?
Let’s start small. Start by replacing the unkindness for a little more considerate and gentle treatment towards yourself. You could do with more self-forgiveness. This frees you up to walk away from difficult periods with softness and peace. In doing so, you allow yourself room to heal more, and emerge from these periods less bruised by yourself. Putting this into practice also looks like continuous reminders that you are deserving of your own kindness. It looks like saying: “Owona – you will do better next time; it’s okay to rest today; you are doing so well; I am proud of you”.
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Remember …
We are in the middle of a pandemic. I say this to centre myself on most days. We can be so overcome by the magnitude of what the rest of the world is going through that we forget to take a step back and take count of what we have achieved during this time. We may forget to take a rest. We may forget to be kind to ourselves.
May we be more deliberate, especially during this time, in taking note of what we have managed to survive:
That we have been able to keep showing up in spite of the circumstances.
That we remain to celebrate ourselves and others.
That our capacity for love and kindness has not diminished in this time;
And that we deserve to shine that capacity for love and kindness on ourselves.
