– A poem by Nokwanda Sihali
I ferociously write when you narrate your lived experiences
Through the caresses on my skin
It is the data that I thematise
Compare and contrast through social concepts
I had them recorded when you withdrew consent
To reverse the gaze
I am your subject.
You are my object.
Make me the participatory observer
I want to assimilate.
I navigate
multiple identities that grant me access to sufficient parts of yourself
Even though I claim that this is co-created, I benefit more
I engage in violent acts of retraumatising you
But don’t worry, I got ethics
Clearance
I pledged not to cause harm.
No one mentioned the labyrinth of emotional labour
Using various qualitative methods
I was always interested in your words
In piecing the said and unsaid
Inside the collective narrative of stillness
The findings are compromised
Even though I try to retain objectivity
I am a contaminated subject
Who engages in the politics of care
Where I can extract enough data to justify why I stayed so long in your mouth
Why I had to amerce myself in your soul
And become one with you
Before disengaging with the research site.
Not enough reflexivity to sufficiently debrief.
But apparently this is part of critical engagement
The exaggerated duty of care towards our participants
In humanising research
We undress different ways of knowing
We caress different ways of being
We are blessed in different ways of existing
Knowledge production is a field of power
With contested ideas
Social identities that create systems of privilege,
advantage, disadvantage and oppression
As an outside insider
Did you consider your positionality and power?
I am a contaminated subject
Because in humanising research
We feel
As post positivist thinkers saturated in
meaning making
We feel.
